Things I wish are banned from Indian TV

Before Indian Television goes deep down in the dog's ass and comes out as poop (since it has already gone to dogs, in a matter of speaking), here's my list of five things I wish are banned from TV.

Fewer and shorter ad breaks
yeah yeah we need ads to sustain television and the print media and all that jazz, but must we have a 10-minute ad break in between movies, every 12 minutes? There have been times when I have surfed up to 10 channels and each of those channels had advertisements played, no kidding. A 3-hr movie takes four and half hours to wrap up. There's a reason why we see international film awards like Oscars and Golden Globe Live on TV (they're big prime time shows abroad) but till date I do not remember seeing an Indian movie television award show Live. Why? It's all those ad breaks, stupid. Whilst ad breaks make commercial sense, too many- and longer- ad breaks break our rhythm and make tv less enjoyable.

Slow motions
A few years back during the Bombay Parsi Panchayat trustee elections that were held across Parsi colonies and baugs across Mumbai, I got an SMS joke. Some of these colonies had special queues for senior citizens. The joke went something like this: "If a majority of bawajis are senior citizens, we need special queues for the youngsters and not for seniors". Similarly, if 70% of a TV serial episode is in slow motion, its sanctity goes down. Slow motions are perhaps crucial for a few prominent shots or scenes. Presently, if slow motions were to go alltogether, a half hour tv serial episode could get done in 10 minutes. But here's the most bizarre thing about slo-mo: people's entry on award show stages (delay telecast) shown in slow motion!!!

Leave social issues to governments and NGOs
Let's face it. TV is business, lead actors get paid a bomb and a lot of public adulation. Nobody works for charity. This is television, not some NGO. So while it's okay to make TV serials to create awareness or highlight some social plight, a cursory glance though most of our serials tell us that happiness is in short supply in India. Nukkad, Yeh Jo Hain Zindagi Sriman Srimati, Hum Paanch, Indradhanush and many more such gems are sorely missed. Its a charade to make dozens of modern day crappy TV that showcase only sadness and all sorts of atrocities on women and then run disclaimers claiming they don't mean disrepect to any citizen or some moral lesson of the day at the end of each episode. We don't need your sympathies, we need good tv.

Volume control the news debates
News debates are getting louder by the day. Take a look at this debate on Times Now on the day when Dhoni was accused by some people to play to the gallery, during the second India - England test. While everyone wants to be heard, debates are more cacophony and less intellectually stimulating these days. Politicians want to be heard and they won't stop talking till they are heard. Many other civilians on tv suffer from the same malady. At times, 5 people talk at the same time, while Arnab Goswami, Rajdeep Sardesai & Co try to bring some order. Can't they just mute the loudmouths when it gets too much? Surely, newsroom technology is much advanced these days. If the guy doesn't shut up, press the button.


Emotional verdicts on talent competition
Nobody likes to lose. And judging by many talented candidates on these shows, there is no shortage of talent in India. But the one thing that TV producers need to coach the participants is that losing is natural. Whilst we all strive to win, there is no need to get so shocked and  awed if you don't go through. And soft ball judges who feel guilty pronouncing loss results should better stay away from becoming judges. Give me Simon Cowell, Peers Morgan or our Farah Khan anyday. Atleast they are honest; if you are not fit for the competition, you're told off in clear words "Do not waste yours- and our- time."

Do Radio taxis turn down short distances?

Mumbai Mirror newspaper did a good story recently about how radio taxis in Mumbai turn down short-distance passengers and usually mostly entertain long distance ones. I had a similar experience myself last week. On 5 August, I had to travel out of Mumbai and I had to catch a 7 am train from CST station. My house is about 4-5 kms away. On 4 August, about 9 am (only a little less than 24 hrs away) I called Meru cabs. They put me on hold for about 2 minutes, came back and refused the cab saying "there are no cabs available for that time slot in your area".

So I hung up and decided to call them again, this time pretending that I have to go to the airport (very long distance). They again put me on hold, came back and told me that the cab is available. I asked then "are you sure that the cab is available?" They said (not in exactly the same words) "Yes sir the cab is available, we wouldn't tell you otherwise if it's not available". So once they confirmed my order, I said that I wish to change my order and now aim to go to CST. Stunned for couple of seconds, they said they will now put me hold again and check the availability. My protests fell on deaf ears as they came back to me after a few minutes and said that the cab is not available. When I asked them why the cab was available for airport and not for CST, they gave me a flimsy excuse which was something like there was another pickup order waiting for the same cab in the morning at / near the airport so that cab needed to be there. I protested that the customer gets to decide the destination, not the cab. But it did not yield any result, and finally I hung up after registering my protest.

Then, I called up Mega Cabs. Again, I first asked for CST. I was quickly refused in a similar manner. Then, I called up again for the (fake) airport pickup and they agreed. The moment they said the cab is available to go to the airport, I told them I changed my mind and now wished to go to CST station. They put me on hold, came back after a few minutes and said the cab is not available. Then, as if it is a big consolation, the call centre employee told me to call back on 5 August about 90 minutes before our departure to check the availability of the cab. I do not understand, if I have to go to the airport, they accepted my bookings. But for CST, I have to call up at the last minute?

When radio taxis were launched in Mumbai a few years ago, they came as a breather from our usual black and yellow cabs. Radio taxis offered a promising future; clean and modern cars, well-mannered drivers, air-conditioned cabs, electronic meters that do not cheat and the freedom to go anywhere we want. Unfortunately, as the Mumbai Mirror story showcases and our own experiences, radio taxis have deteriorated and they too now refuse short distances. Atleast as per our experiences. The Mumbai Road Transport Office (RTO) should take cognizance of this deteriorating service and pull up these taxis. Mega cabs regularly send me SMSs advertising the so-called high quality of their service and the so-called convenience they offer to people who "party late at night and need a safe cab to reach home". Alas, it's a mirage.

Harry Potter finale is the grandest ever

Ten years, seven books, eight movies and a mindbogglingly finale close to the Harry Potter franchise. And what better way to close the chapter in 3-D. To ensure we get confirmed seats, we booked the 9.30 am show at Imax, Wadala. I don't remember going to a cinema hall that early in the day, ever. The action starts soon enough; first a recap of the last scene of the first part, Voldemort's access to the Elder Wand, followed by a grim look at Hogwarts patrolled by the Dementors who seem to be standing right next to your seat if seen through those 3-D goggles. It's surreal; you know in less than three hours it's all going to come to an end, no more anticipating the release of J.K.Rowling's books, no more reading the morning papers with pictures of children with the happiest faces as if they've won the treasure hunt after braving 5-mile long serpentine (thankfully not the Nagini types) queues in cold weather of foreign shores, with their latest Harry Potter books- sometimes personally signed by the author Ms Rowling- no more scouting on You Tube for a trailer of an upcoming Harry Potter movie and as far as I am concerned, no more anticipating to borrow the book from my nieces and waiting desperately to run off to Panchgani on a holiday armed with the particular Harry Potter book of the movie that is just about to release.

That's what I used to do; I never read the books well in advance, as soon as they hit the stands, fresh from the press for the first time ever, definitely not finishing the books in those crazy two to three hours that kids these days do with Harry Potter books. Even soirees last longer than that. My strategy was to pick up a book whose movie was about to release. Read that book a good two or three months before its movie version was to release, have the book fresh in my mind and then go to watch the movie without the knowledge of what has happened in subsequent versions. That way, I thought I could enjoy and appreciate the movies better.

The first part of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was much tamer than the grand finale, but the setting was perfect. Part-II moves fast, cuts out all the unnecessary riff-raff, the director cleverly assumes you're on the plot and read the book, and sticks to the bare essentials. The ending is changed a bit, but the ride is as thrilling as you'd ever imagine. Several moments stands out, especially the sensational break-in and the daring escape from the Gringotts Bank, the fortification of Hogwarts Castle by Professor McGonagall and team and Snape's touching encounter with Harry Potter. I also felt the 3-D experience to be more pronounced here than in Avataar but that's maybe because I am a Harry Potter fan and I never really much cared for Avataar. The Dementors- if seen through the 3-D goggles- will seem to be standing right next to you. Lord Voldemort lights up the screen every time he appears ; brilliant Ralf Fiennes will ensure his performance will go down as one of the most feared villains of cinematic history. Rowling's insistence on having only British actors work in Harry Potter franchise has paid off. To me- and countless Harry Potter fans- this will be one of the most memorable chapters of our lives, to have lived through the Harry Potter days, books, movies, spells and Hogwarts. 

Visiting Lake District

Apart from the must-sees and must-dos in England, Lake District is right up there. This is a mountainous region in North West England. We decided to spend two nights here in a small town called Windermere. We caught the early morning Virgin train from London Euston station at about 9.30 (prior reservations were done online) and after a three and half journey that includes one to two change-overs (depending on your train timings), we reached Windermere. Virgin trains are fast but that apart,  British railway is a lot like Indian Railways. Unreserved passengers occupy reserved seats, though they are polite and vacate them when the rightful occupants arrive. Yet the trains have many standees and people squat at the entry / exit points. The good part though was that some compartments have a cafe; you pick up food items from the shelves, tea/coffee/ available, pay for them at the counter and have them at your seat. Whilst going we were fortunate to have such cafe in our compartment. But whilst coming, I had to jump about four compartments in search for the nearest cafe, only to find a large group of youngsters squatted on the floor of the fifth, and I got dissuaded to go any further and returned hungry to my seat. Anyways, that is another story.

We arrived at Lake District at about 2 pm. Most of the Bed & Breakfast (B&B) / Inns / hotels in the Lake District have their check-in times at 2 pm, so we were shown our room at The Ravensworth. Lovely little Inn and very centrally located. Though we had asked for a room on the ground floor, the upper floor rooms have a better view. The hotel was very clean, its owners (Nick and Cheryl) were very helpful and courteous and will go out of their way to help and guide their patrons.

Lake District is dotted by beautiful scenery dotted with many lakes and small towns or villages and country side. We stayed at Windermere because that is the hub of Lake District and is also connected by the rest of England by  rail. The best part ofLake District (as with the rest of England) is that there are plenty of B&Bs / Inns everywhere. All you really need in the Lake District is a clean place to stay; there are ample of cafes and restaurants to suit your taste palette. Infact it seemed to me that Lake District has more B&Bs, hotels and restaurants than its own residents. But then, tourism is the main occupation of Lake District followed perhaps by professionals like doctors, lawyers, etc.

After checking in, we took a walk to Windermere town and had lunch at a cafe called The Lighthouse Cafe. Then, we too a boat ride on Bowness lake. Bowness is the lakeside town next to Windermere and is easily accessible by bus. That's another good thing in lake District. You can take a day's ticket of about 7 Pounds and take as many bus rides as you wish in a single day, that will take you around Windermere, Bowness and Grassmere, another beautiful town and Ambleside. If you go to lake district, you've got to take a boat ride. You can even walk to Bowness from Windermere.

The next day we took a day's tour by a tour company called Mountain Goat, supposed to be the best tour company in Lake District. They were good, but unfortunately the weather wasn't. What were supposed to be breathtaking views was marred by heavy fog that took us over the entire day. There was a half hour train ride part of the tour that we took which was quite enjoyable. The next day, we took the daily bus ticket and went to Grassmere by its public bus and spent the day there walking around the village. In the evening, we took the train back home and came to London.


Picture #1: Bowness lake on Windermere
Picture#2: Bowness town
Picture#3: The Ravenglass & Eskdale Railway

London - First impressions

For some weird reason I can't quite comprehend, I believe that your introduction to Europe should happen through England, specifically London. In other words, if you want to tour Europe, then start with London. Then, other cities or countries may follow. Maybe because London and England has so much history and culture and the place is so old.

Heathrow Airport sucks! Terminal 4's (Jet Airways) arrival lounge is unimpressive and belies the fact that England is a developed country. Hopefully, they'll renovate soon. And since my last visit to Singapore my expectations from international airports (what a vast difference) had reached the moon, they were just as quickly brought back to the ground. Few counters at the immigration to cater to one of the world's busiest airports meant that after a 10-hour journey, we had to spend more about 20 (or perhaps a bit more) minutes in the queue, waiting. The baggage claim area looks like a seedy large, never-ending godown. I was just glad to get my baggage and be out of there.

But the good part of the airport is that you get a direct underground train to go to various parts of the city, pay phones are free to use if you wish to call a cab, there are radio taxis available nearby who can come to pick you up if you need them and the Help desk is very helpful and polite.

Everything is very old in London. The city, its roads, its Underground railway, buildings, houses, everything is aged. But there's a lot of nostalgia about it, you don't complain. Unlike America where everything is and looks new, England and London looks old. I like old.

London will remind you of Mumbai in some ways; the good Mumbai, that is. Lots and lots of old heritage buildings; London city looks like an extended Ballard Estate; old buildings, beautifully carved roofs, windows on the topmost floors coming out of the roofs, gargoyles on many of them, and so on). Most of the streets are narrow, just like Mumbai, but amazingly the traffic keeps moving. Even parts of Manhattan, New York (NY)have only two lanes, but they have cleverly converted many of those roads as one-way because of the criss-cross nature of its streets, so the traffic in NY moves much faster. Nothing like that in London.but still the traffic moves. There are several traffic jams at peak hours, they're famous, Londoners are used to them but still hate them just like Mumbaikars, but traffic moves. That's the good part.

Some other India-UK similarities are strikes (the Underground was on a strike the day Wimbledon Tennis Championships began) and weekly maintenance of railway tracks. But that's also because London's Underground is the oldest in the world they say. Train delays happen and on the outstation train that we took to Lake District, unreserved passengers occupy reserved seats apart from crowding the gangways and squatting the entry/exit points and squatting on the floor.

Despite all this, public transport rocks! London has the Underground rail (Tube), Overground railway (fast and slow trains) and bus services that can take you every nook and corner of the city and much of its distant suburbs. The train map sounds confusing at first, so spend some time in understanding it. You might have to change trains sometimes, but that's okay.

Some Tube stations do not have escalators. So think carefully if you wish to take the Tube from the Heathrow with all your luggage or have old people in tow, like I had. Taxis are very expensive (40 Pounds from Heathrow to Wimbledon where I stayed), but once in a while, it's worth it.

Once settled, try and figure out what kind of a pass / ticket you need. The good part is that a single pass or ticket is valid across buses and trains. Lots of choices (daily / weekly / monthly pass, one-way or return ticket) are on offer and you can buy them using cash or card. It looks complicated at first but once you have figured out what you want, it's the best way to travel around London.

Food is available in plenty, though restaurants can be expensive and most of them close by 10 to 10.30 pm. So if you have a late evening show, say at the Broadway or a concert at the Royal Albert Hall, make arrangements beforehand. But if you have access to a microwave at your place, then lots of department stores like Morrisons, Tesco, Sainsbury and Marks and Spencer (it gets pricier in that order) have tons of ready food packets (Indian / Chinese / Continental ) that you can pick up,  stock up till about two days, microwave heat and eat. Vegetarians can easily survive. No, I am not a vegetarian, please. I am just saying.

My fondness for the British accent has gone down a bit. The older generation speaks more clearly, but the younger generation's accent takes a little time to get adjusted to. It ain't as simple to comprehend as it was in those old age British comedies. The generation gap is very visible between how the young and the old talk, in England. 

But people are friendly. If you ask them directions, they will help you. They always offer seats to old people, especially in the Underground, whether you are white, black or brown. Awesome! 

Finally, London is not necessarily a once in a lifetime visit. Almost all London attractions demand atleast 3 hours. Some nearby places like Bath and Windsor Castle deserve an entire day each. Either have enough days on hand, or be prepared for multiple London trips. I think that's great news, don't you think?

Picture#1: The Big Ben and the British Parliament
Picture#2: London city eye view from atop St. Paul's Cathedral
Picture#3: Hampton Court Palace
Picture#4: River flowing next to Hampton Court Palace

Is Personal Finance stale?

This is a rant; as a blogger for over three years now, I think I have a right to rant occasionally. There is not shortage of myths; this much I can tell you for sure. As a journalist covering personal finance, especially mutual funds, for the past 10 years, I should know. Ofcourse, new developments do not take place in the PF space everyday, especially in any one given beat, say, MFs that I cover. Often, people- especially fellow journalists (and this is where it kills me that the myth exists in ur own community rather than outside)- misunderstand or rather blatantly assume that things get repeated in the PF space. The same-old tale of asset allocation, invest in equities for long run, why you should invest in MFs and so on are repeated like 10 times in a year, they feel. Hence, a PF journalist leads a cushy life at work; if you don't have an idea, just pick an old story and recyle and voila, there's a 'new' story, they say.

Without going into a length tirade, here's what I think:

• Competition in the media space is as severe as it can get. On top of it, every publication worth its salt wants to get into PF, committing resources to hire talent and infrastructure and obviously need PF writers to perform to their best to stay ahead of the competition. If that is the aim, recycling is a bad idea. Any responsible editor would see through a recycled story and stop it from going to press.
• Because of changing market scenario and dynamics, there isn't really a shortage of story ideas. There isn't a dearth of topics because the entire world is changing. Changing regulations, new and more complex products are the new order. A good PF writer is paid to spot these trends and there's enough to write
• Last, but not the least, financial illiteracy is a huge nuisance. Just because I wrote seven years back advising retail investors to invest in equity funds for the long run, that doesn't mean every tom, dick and harry have since started to do the same. You've got to drill first principles into the reader's mind, even then you will find it won't be enough. By that time, several other things may have happened. This merits passing on the same message if you will, but with a new twist like new data, fresh arguments and so on. And if fellow journalists are so financially illiterate (so many do not even bother to track their provident fund, for instance) how can I expect my readers to head my advice? 

The Best Way to go to Poona

Trips to Poona are always looked forward to. And ever since the Mumbai-Poona expressway was thrown open to public, an endless supply of seats on the buses and taxis are hawked 24/7 at Dadar. But my favourite way to go to Poona has always been- and will always be- by train. Nothing compares to the excitement of the age-old (but still looks fresh) drill: to reach the station in time, locating your train standing pretty on one of the numerous platform, then locating your compartment, checking your name on the reservation chart (even though you know you're dead sure it's there because naturally you have reserved tickets and that too in your hand), and then finally  entering it amidst countless stares from co-passengers who are already smugly seated inside as if to say "hah, we beat you to it!".   

Earlier I used to take the Indrayani Express that leaves Mumbai VT at 5.45 am. That was a time when waking up at 4.30 am at home was acceptable. Today, with my work life taking up all my time and a good eight-hour sleep a rarity, I don't feel like waking up so early. And in any case, I have never been a morning person. I am more than okay to sleep late, but it's a pain to get up so early. Besides, the time I reach my home in Poona, take a bath, have something to eat and get fresh, it's already post lunch time and I feel half my day has gone to waste. But mind you, going to Poona during sunrise also has it charm, especially as you enter Khandala and Lonavala, the twin hill stations on the way. 

In the past few years though, I've been smitten by Deccan Queen, the superfast Mumbai-Poona train. It leaves Mumbai VT at just about the right time; 5.10 pm. I can comfortably finish work, say on a Friday evening and leave a bit early. Like all Mumbai-Poona train,this one is punctual too. No unreserved passengers even in the II class compartments, unlike packed sardine compartments in Western Railway trains, except perhaps Deccan Express and the other slow trains on the corridor. Also, for some reason that I can't really explain and might sound illogical, the crowd here seems more civilised. 

No sooner than the Deccan Queen breezes past Dadar where it does not stop, the catering staff enters your compartment with supply of tea, coffee and water. Soon, he comes to takes your order. Deccan Queen is supposed to have one of the last surviving non AC dining cars; a pantry car compartment that comes along with a small sit-out restaurant with tables and chairs for passengers to enjoy their cup of tea and eatables. I have never been there but it is quite a novel experience I am told. Cheese toast sandwich, plain cheese sandwich, omelette, chicken sandwich, vej cutlet and some 1-2 other items I don't remember, are on the menu. After Karjat station, kanda-bhajia is also served, piping hot and then towards the end of the journey; Parsi Dairy Farm kulfi, though this time the kulfi wasn't on the menu, I wonder why.  

At about 6.35 pm, the train arrives at Karjat, its first halt, where every train going to Poona is fitted with two engines at the rear to give it an extra push to go up the ghat section. This climb is particularly enjoyable during the monsoon- and from a second-class compartment minus those tinted glasses of the AC ones- where many waterfalls temporarily formed by flowing rain water can be seen in mountains through which the train passes. Sometimes, the drops of the gushing water can touch you. Both Karjat and Lonavala stations belong to another era; unpopulated and gives you an old-age British feel that is not touched by modernisation. Karjat is famous for its Vadas, but I don't much care for them. However, you do feel like getting off and breathing the air around the stations atleast, even for a few minutes while the twin rear engines are joined and detached, respectively. Because once the train reaches Poona and you step out of the station, it's the same hustle-bustle city life and you're brought back to reality. 

picture courtesy: The Indian Express